MORE QUESTIONS THAN ANSWERS

UNIVERSALLY CHALLENGED

(Intro music)

"Universally Challenged. (applause)

Asking the questions, Bumba Clartcoigne."

BC: "Hello and welcome again to Universally Challenged.

We welcome back last week’s losers, Transport Network University of Corruption.

And their new challengers, the Conservative University of Nefarious Tories.

"Let’s meet the teams. And first, the TNUC’s."

LO: "I'm Lea Onsea, reading off and on insurance for the gullible."

SK: "Hi, I'm Sadie Kant, reading Self Photography."

BC: "And their captain."

DK: "I'm Dara Kosimjoking and I'm reading Grayling the Riot Act."

SM: "Hello I'm Steve Macanacka, reading The Secret Life of Walter Mitty, by Leo Toy Story."

BC: "CUNT’s?"

CG: "I'm Cross Greything and I'm reading my professional obituary."

DC: "Call me Dave. I'm reading ... from  ... the Goldman Sachs … autocue."

BC: "And their captain."

TS: "Hello my name's Terry Sammay, and I'm reading Dances with Warfarin."

GO: "George Oddborn, reading Speed & Kentucky Ham, by William Burroughs."

BC: "Let’s go straight into the game.

"Here’s your starter for ten. Other than buses, who can use Bus Lanes?"

Buzz! "TNUC, Kant."

SK: "Did you know my Dad was a bus driver?"

BC: "Wrong answer. It was Taxis, cycles and motorcycles."

SK: "Really?"

BC: "Another starter, and no conferring.

Name three types of Uber."

Buzz! "CUNT, Oddborn."

GO: "Blackrock, Evening Standard and 9Yards Capital."

BC: "No. I can pass it over."

Buzz! "TNUC, Onsea."

LO: "Was it UberRape, UberCrash and UberHack?"

BC: "Correct.

"For a bonus of five points each. Can you name three boroughs where Taxis are banned on roads where buses are not?"

(Audible team whispers)

DK: "Okay. I think I had Mike sign them off in Camden, Hackney and Islington."

BC: "Correct. You also could’ve had the City of Westminster and the City of London.

"Starter for ten. How much is the drop on the Taxi meter?"

Buzz! "TNUC, Macanacka."

SM: "Eighty pence."

BC: "Three pounds."

SM: "No?"

BC: "Starter for ten."

SM: "Are you sure?"

BC: "What is the London icon which takes more passengers per month door to door than any illegal tax avoiding minicab company does in a year?"

Buzz! "CUNT, Sammay."

TS: "It’s that great American, Netherlands based industry I prostituted my integrity for at Davos."

BC: "No. It’s the three hundred and sixty five year old, iconic Black Cab Industry which employs over one hundred thousand people in London alone.

"Get your thinking caps on. Here’s your starter again.

For ten points which door to door service offers three times as many Wheelchair Accessible Vehicles than Buses, and over five thousand percent more than minicabs?"

Buzz! "CUNT, Cuckold."

DC: "Sajid Javid’s Dad was a bus driver."

BG: "What?"

DC: "Seventeen point four million bastards cost me my job!"

BG: "Ahem. I can pass it over."

Buzz! "TNUC, Onsea."

LO: "Yo Mamma!"

BC: "Excuse me?"

LO: "My mate Pete can get you a prozzy for the price of an Oyster Card."

BC: "Are you mad?"

LO: "What’s in it for me?"

BC: "The answer is ‘Taxis’."

LO: "Fuck ‘em."

BC: "Except for Onsea, here’s your starter for ten. Who perjured herself twice for Uber?"

Buzz! "CUNT, Greything."

CG: "Fraggle Rock."

BC: "Close enough.

“For fifteen bonus points, name one thing TfL has done correctly?

"No one?

"Yes that was a trick question. The answer is TfL have never done anything right,

And on that note, the final scores, according to Diane Abbott are; Transport Network University of Corruption has scored two thousand and eleventy nine. And the Conservative University of Nefarious Tories has scored jam sponge.

Goodnight."

(Fade to music)